Sucking, in more ways than one

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve started this post. If I had known how hard it would be to get past that little hurdle, I would have abandoned the attempt and just started in the middle somewhere, in mid-sentence if necessary. Because if you’re going to forgive me for nearly six months’ worth of missing posts (and please, please do forgive me), you’re probably going to get past a missing beginning. Right? And here I am, writing a beginning.

I wish I could say that the past few months were so blissful that I simply forgot all about the world around me: What, blog? When there are fragrant little toesies to nibble on? But alas, no. I had rightly suspected that the first few months with a newborn and a toddler would be hard, but then a few other unforeseen factors pushed things way past “hard” and solidly into the red zone, namely:

 -- a bad case of colic;

-- a death in the family; and

-- a tax audit.

 But first, let me start at the beginning, in happier times. Let me finally introduce you to my little Melon. 

Melon was born on March 27, 2009, via scheduled c-section in the same hospital where Banana made her debut. She was 7 lbs. 8 oz. (3400 grams) and 20.5 inches long, and a born sucker. She had sucked her hands so enthusiastically in utero that she was born with blisters on both wrists, and once out, made it her mission to do similar damage to my breasts. And wow did she ever. Even the midwives looked on in pity. She didn’t have much technique – her latch was part stapler, part lawnmower – but what she lacked in finesse she more than made up for in good old-fashioned brute force. For three days straight she was on me, and somehow my milk never had a choice but to come in well. In short: no supply issues this time around. (And don’t worry, I won’t talk about two freezers filled with my overflow – my experience with Banana gave me such an aversion to pumping that I have not done it at all.) There was the little matter of her persistently poor latch, though, which we eventually determined was due to a short frenulum (tongue tie). We had it clipped when she was five weeks old – a surprisingly low-key affair – and since then her latch has improved greatly, to my unending relief.

I had been very worried (and guilt-ridden) about how Banana was going to cope with another fruit in our midst, and was so gratified to find out that she was fine. She was a bit stand-offish while visiting me in the hospital, but that, I think, had more to do with the strange environment than with any sort of realization of what was going on. That realization came very slowly, and much later. When Banana got upset, it was more about my not being able to pick her up (that was the hardest part about having had a c-section, that moratorium on picking up Banana for six weeks) or not being available for playing when I was nursing. She never seemed to be upset at Melon, though, only at me. Melon got Banana’s nurturing side. Whenever Melon cried, Banana motioned frantically at me to pick her “Up!”

Pretty soon there were a lot of opportunities for motioning. So many, in fact, that soon Banana was equally frantically signaling to me to put the screaming baby down for once. As with her sucking, Melon proved incredibly tenacious as a screamer. For hours every day, she was inconsolable. Hours. Hours and hours and hours. Of screaming. Clenched-fist, contorted-face, legs-drawn-up screaming. It jangled my nerves, got under my skin, made me doubt everything I was doing – and eventually, after weeks and weeks without respite, made me feel more aggressive than I’ve ever felt in my life. Not that I ever did anything, God forbid, but sometimes I felt almost blacked-out with impotent rage. It wasn’t just the cumulative toll of all the infant misery combined with the sleeplessness, it was also frustration at not being able to be there properly for Banana, not having any opportunity to recharge, not ever having more than one hand free. Inexplicably, that last thing was almost the worst. I’ll do anything for you, I felt, anything you need to feel better, but please please please give me back the use of my body every once in a while. (Sling, you say? Baby carrier? Melon scoffed, nay screamed, at such ridiculous ideas.)

So. That sucked. It really, really, really sucked. And then, fairly suddenly, in her fourth month, an alien ship swooped down and replaced my screaming, sucking need machine with a happy, contented, downright fun little baby. Thanks, aliens!

 

With the arrival of Melon 2.0 came the departure of my mother-in-law. After hanging on much longer than any of us could have imagined two years ago, she succumbed to her advanced dementia at age 77. It was very sad, though there was a great sense of relief throughout the family too. M was fairly matter-of-fact – he had done most of his mourning in installments already – but it hit me harder than I had expected. Thinking about her last years, how frightening it must have been to gradually lose everything she had been and known and loved, and then to live in constant blackness, I felt so unutterably sad for her. And it brought up again how I miss my father, who died 13 years ago of heart failure at age 58, and how I wish my children could have known those two grandparents.

The other matter, the tax audit, was not terrible or anything, but pleasant it was not, and above all it ate a huge chunk of time and energy we did not have. I’m talking in the past tense here, but technically it is still ongoing, as we have not yet heard a final official verdict. And why would we, after more than two months? Anyway, I won’t bore you and agitate myself with the details, but suffice it to say that I don’t think I’ll be keen to do that again.

What I am most keen to do these days is sleep. I am so sleep-deprived, it’s almost funny. I sure hope that one day, when I can finally get some sleep again – maybe, oh, in 2013 – I’ll be able to retrieve some functioning brain cells from somewhere, because they sure aren’t accessible now. It’s almost painful, the fog I’m in these days and the sheer repetitiveness of the things I forget – damn, where did I put those keys I picked up just now? What did I come into this room for again? What was that one thing I absolutely needed to buy? Don’t tell me I forgot to turn the dryer on again! You get the idea. I hardly dare hope that last night meant anything – the night that Melon slept from 7 to 6:30 without waking up once. Unless she did wake up and I staggered over there and fed her and simply forgot about it, or unless she woke up and screamed for three hours straight and both M and I were simply too comatose to notice, but let’s just assume she slept. And let’s hope she does more of that soon.

I was going to give you a full update on Banana now, and a description of Melon, but you know what? I’m going to post this before the kids wake up from their naps, just so you have something from me now.

I’ve missed you, and I thank you so much for hanging in there.

Comments

[Heather]

WOW! That is a whole lot to go through in such a short time!! I'm sorry it has been so rough.

[susie]

Wow, that is one cute baby. So glad things are getting better.

[Sami]

So glad to hear from you... have thought of you and Banana and now Melon (didn't know it was a Melon, frequently) Glad to hear things are better. So sorry of the passing of your MIL. Now... don't go away for 6 months again... (like I have any room to talk... )

[electriclady]

BEAUTIFUL baby! Look at those snackable cheeks!

And oh Kath, I've missed you too. But completely understand how it would be near impossible to post with all of that going on. I hope you get some sleep soon.

[Lilian]

Awww, it's SO GREAT to hear from you again! I had to check my feed blogroll twice -- is that really her? And it was!

Melon is GORGEOUS, but I don't know how in the world you survived the screaming. I'm glad things are better now and will be waiting for an update on your lovely girls soon, but I know that might have to wait because of the "fog."

Sometimes I think that the consequences of baby related sleep disturbances are almost lifelong... i mean, I still have lapses of memory and I've definitely changed in various ways.

I'm so sorry about your MIL -- I'm sure that being postpartum made you feel sadder. Well, sorry for my long comment, I'm really glad to hear from you again!

[Flicka]

KATH!!!! I tried to email you but it didn't go through. :( I'm so sorry to hear what you've been going through. Sam did that screaming and crying thing you describe so well for 6 1/2 months. I felt much the same as you did...oh the hell that is an unsatisfied baby! And the joy when they are!

Melon is absolutely beautiful. She looks so much like Banana! A lovely pair of girls you have...I'm so happy for you!

I suck as a friend. I knitted a lovely sweater for Melon and it's still sitting on my table. It should fit her big toe about now. :( And after all the lovely things you graced Sam with! I'm so sorry!

xoxoxoxoxox
Flicka

PS~ I miss you! any chance you'll be in America soon?

[Lut C.]

Congratulations with the birth of your beautiful girl Melon!

I can only imagine what you've been through, with a colicky baby in the house. You made it through all of you in one piece, excellent work!

I'm sorry for the loss of your mother-in-law.

A tax audit, ugh. Hope it ends soon with favourable result.

[MsPrufrock]

When I saw a post from you I was hoping it had photos, and you didn't disappoint! I'm sorry things have been so bad for you lately, but it is good to hear your voice again.

[statia]

Oh Dear. I know that screaming. Between that and the lawnmower, you poor thing. A screaming baby that makes hamburger nipples is no fun. Good thing they're so cute, eh?

[Kimmer]

Thank you so much for the update Kath. I was getting really worried. Understand the colic, Bryce had that and reflux and the first 5 months sucked. Well, not sucked but I literally would dread the evening. He would scream and I would cry. Not a happy combination. This too shall pass and so glad the Aliens dropped you off a new Melon! She is GORGEOUS! Take care and hope you are able to rest up soon. Sorry about your loss also.
oxox,
Kimmer

[PiquantMolly]

I love when old friends emerge from the internet ether. So lovely to hear from you, and so glad that you somehow survived those wretched months! Melon is so delicately porcelain complected. You sure make 'em cute.

[Clover]

I'm sorry about your MIL. And I'm sorry about the colic- all 3 of my kids were like that and it was never that "a few hours at night thing"- it was 24 seven until about 4 months. And yeah, everything you do to survive colic (the rocking, the shooshing, the swaddling, the constant carrying) screws you as they get older because they come to expect hurculean effort to get them to sleep. My 8 year old is still a pretty difficult sleeper (at least getting him to bed and actually asleep.)
I wish we didn't live on different continents. I lived through that myself and oh man, it sucked big time.
Glad you are back. I'm trying to get back, but who knows when.

[thalia]

yaay. So glad you posted, particularly the picture of your gorgeous melon. Completely understand the silence given how much you've had on your plate. Will look forward to hearing more about how banana is doing when you have time.

[Jennifer]

I have to admit, that sounds like an absolutely wretched stretch of time. But I also have to say, Melon is a beautiful baby-sheesh, now I REALLY want another one....

[Portlairge]

Wow! That is quite a story. I am so glad to hear from you. Thank God or whoever for our Feeds that mean we can always keep track. Melon is gorgeous. Sounds like the light is bright at the end of the tunnel.

[Caro]

Great to hear from you and glad that things are improving.

Melon is very cute!!!

[Kate]

Oh, you're back! Yay! And man, what a rough journey. I was hoping you weren't struggling with PPD, though it sounds like what you've been through would send me headlong into it! Can't wait to hear more about Melon and Banana...

[Betty M]

Oh she is lovely. Sorry about the traumas of the last few months. Any one of those singly could floor someone - all 3 together - I can see why blogging would be far from high priority.

[Tinker]

I missed you Kath and am so happy to see that things are not as devastatingly awful as I had begun to imagine.

Melon is a divinely adorable baby and hopefully, as things get easier, Banana will begin to appreciate her merits too. My almost 2yo daughter is finally discovering that she can make her 5mo sister giggle and is becoming less jealous as she discovers that the little one isn't just an attention hog.

I hear you on the missing grandparents. My mom and dad would have doted on our little ones and I'm sorry that neither they nor the kids had the opportunity to enjoy that. I sometimes think about my own grandfather who passed when my mother was still a child and imagine him to be a handsome, moral and kind-hearted character. I can only hope I build the same kind of picture of my parents for my children to know that they come from good people. I know you'll do that for your girls.

Thank you so much for posting. I hope that the audit is finalized soon and that with the arrival of Melon 2.0, you find time to savour your family.

[Country Chick]

Sorry to hear you have been having such a tough time. Beautiful baby though, Melon 2.0.

Good to see you're back.

[Avoiceofmyown]

You're my hero. I was so sleep deprived with one, I don't know how you do it with 2!

[country chick]

Just missed Melon's first birthday. I saw a comment from you on Thalia's, and hoped you might have posted again. Miss you someimes, you always seemed like a kind person - a woman to like a lot.

[thalia]

Hello Hello! You are coming up on a year since your last post, and I'm sure it's a year since you visited us and the girls played in the paddling pool. Do let us know how you are getting on.

[thalia]

Just came by to say happy birthday to Banana. Hope she had a good day. We miss you. xxxxx